“And in the grey clouds, I saw the pink skies. And with a wee bit of stardust, I am floored.”
This year was not precisely grey. Albeit its peculiarities, it was a massive bag full of surprises and a breather I will always be grateful for. The first quarter of 2019 made me value even more, the beautiful creations in my homeland, the Philippines. Adding value to this wonderful place entailed a closer observation of the landscapes (that I am observing FOREVER thanks to the path I have chosen) through its attributes- a task I did this quarter. The first quarter in retrospect was a story enriched with macro to micro attributes that were mostly connected on highly valued PEOPLE. One of the good reflections associated with my first quarter delves on the lightness I felt from the landscapes I am blessed with. I am grateful for the landscapes that are composed of “personal and fairly beloved or let's say dearest” components of it. These are my family and friends. More so, I appreciate all these crazies even more because they enrich the landscape in aspects that are new to me- a landscape of people who care in different languages of love and affection. As I am and will always become part of this landscape, I also realise that my family and friends which are essential components of it are my bearers of strengths - pushing me into facing fears of failures associated with life and health being on top of it. Also, I realise their value in times of grieving, which is rather an unnatural occurrence for a daily encounter. They make it quite bearable. They are the warmth I always need to process this feeling. My lightness. As we go along and force our way into the second quarter, heavier bags with burden went with it. I lost friends, we lost friends. We lost them in different ways and forms: some friends went up to the heavens, some friends crossed the rainbow bridge, and some friends just weren't looking at "friendship" the same way as you do. Perhaps, they weren't "friends" to begin with and that is ok. But in the aspect of moving forward, this quarter taught me how to choose to move on with them in our hearts and minds irregardless of the circumstances... And I went on and faced 2019 with this strength to overcome the losses. In the end, the coping mechanisms I discovered were highlights of my life; and to not be burdened by the emptiness is “winning”. I slowly filled the days with loving memories of new encounters that reminded me of the successes of genuine friendships. One of the many wins of 2019. The second quarter of 2019 was a struggle, primarily because of health-related and PhD logistics-related concerns. It was an ordeal I found most challenging while I was alone in a foreign country, yet I was indeed grateful to experience it at a point in my life where I was free to assess my own capacity to “handle stress”. The independence was delightful. Facing the unknown was not. My assessment of my well being resulting from that heavy load of the 2nd quarter was rather entertaining, perhaps if my life was on the telly. An oversight that could have been a good live comedy! I have forgotten to plan my life and prepare contingencies, would you believe that? Probably if you knew me from the past 10 years or so, you’d glare at me and look at me with judgment that this is not who I am. But just like any of us, the imperfections are now glistening in red sparkling splendour that became a reminder that I cannot always be at my optimum. I can be weak, too. EMERGENCY! WARNING! WHY AM I NOT READY FOR THIS! And I though 2018 has been the best lesson and the initial reaction I had for this quarter was to foster the feeling of disappointment? Nah. And so I went on with DROPPING WHAT I FIND REGRETFUL AND PROCEEDED WITH MY ULTIMATE SELFCARE- books, family and friends time, and long walks to be amused with places and the moving objects in the universe. I lived. Probably one of the more exciting processes that I had to undergo to be able to move forward with life is this quarter- and just like that I started to breathe again... I started to bring back the soul that yearns for adventurous learning (haha insert BEAMES here for reference. Still a researcher by heart). I started to consider doing the unplanned. I started savouring the wonderful moments of my daily adventures. Indeed, there were learnings and strength that I was able to gain, and in the end, real friendships that stayed and took care of me when I was at my weakest- alone yet not really. Thanks especially to Felicia (who was required to visit me HAHA BECAUSE SHE’S GRADUATING! Haha! The flatmate now my French sister, we’re Masseys when we’re in Paris. oui!) and Liang Liang (forever flatmate! Hahaha! And my Taiwanese sister, so we’re CHEN’s if we’re in Taiwan and London!) and Pina (my doctor friend! Who I cannot say “I don’t feel well” to because she panics like a real doctor with first aid thoughts. Lol!) and forever my family in the UK- the MontPeels HAHA! Speechless but my real home in the UK- forever thirdwheelin’ during this lovely couple’s daily honeymoon. CHOS! “panira sa quality time nila talaga ako” as I may say.😆 Those who tried to visit me and find out if I am ok or who just cleared their schedule even if I didn’t ask them to do so. Real friends who need not ask but just came over to check on me. Special mention to Daniela and June (Mane, Suzanne and Nesli), my PhD GF’s who pushed me to health and wellness aims by literally calibrating our PhD daily schedule with constant exercise, chatters, and healthy food goals.😂 And Kay- after years of not seeing each other, now a reason to go to London! Now, she’s moving to Oxford welll loook at that this girl is STRONG! Hail our queen researcher! Heart to friendships that are rekindled by our innate “kadramahan”, “kaartehan”, and our geekness in the form of research and the daily battle for raw data, data processing, data management, and personal “me” time with the remaining time we can have at night - the daily grind we love to do. The third quarter was healing- physically and emotionally. The support team I prayed, for now, had a good leader in the form of a crazy being who just went on with cheering me on my daily wins. While my family and friends worry back home (with my sister flying in for our “trolling” but really, for a minor drama that is a surgical procedure that is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT [ok slightly or not really slight but whatever, nothing for social media concern so don’t ask because I know you want to but I won’t tell] but I hate hospitals, so they worry on that drama that is soooo me HAHA), I was here trying to learn how to win every time thanks to the leader of my sport called- survival of life game. HAHA. And going back, third quarter is the kindest because I learned to choose “me” daily thanks to that “super” support. “King in the North”. QUITE LITERALLY ACTUALLY. HAHAHA! Now, I am learning how to say no when I don’t want to; I am also learning how to shut off manipulation when I can; and I am learning that my financial decisions for the family are spot on and should not be affected by those who put judgments in their hearts and minds. I am learning, and this last one hits home. In hindsight the challenges were heavier for this third quarter round, not just for me but also for this king or rather, for this very strong man. Quite irrelevant as I hide it in my own jest (and him in dark humour), but when “you got this!” and “keep it together!” went beyond what my/our fragile heart/s can take in, the best lesson for this part of my/our 2019 journey is acceptance of the weakness that no game-strong yoga mantra can change. For my part of the drama, which I can articulate because I can speak for myself in this aspect, I have accepted the fact that I’m a coward in the hospital (THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER VENTURE INTO MEDICAL SCIENCE BLOODY HELL is blood and hell combined and medical science for me is BLOODY HELL). It was harrowing to go back to the hospital (the drama, right? HAHA!) So in the true essence of “yes you can”, seriously, I really can’t! HAHA! As I stare at my countdown calendar, and while he went balancing most of his time for his family as it was the most difficult quarter for them, he did manage to direct me towards the goal to go back to the hospital and muster all my strength to see the results of my surgery. And at the back of my head- I constantly prayed that this man was winning his life battles, too. His battles were heavier. But that strength I was seeing was beyond compare. And he is honestly, unselfishly sharing his strength- that aspect of my life that I cannot develop yet again because this burden was pinning me down- to me. Such is the King of the North. “How am I supposed to sit here planning a war, when you're over there looking like that?”- Robb Stark. Literally. So I joined in. I gained courage. Hail! Ofcourse in “joining” he managed to give me small treats of long walks and drives to see places as well as food (luring me once into choosing a “healthier” restaurant HAHA EATING a “vegan” MEAL) that made me quite a healthy fatso (or not yet because I’ll win this battle with fats too). I was probably treated literally like a dog in that way with treats on that crucial day when I was at my most anxious self. But I went to the hospital. NOT ALONE. I went inside the doctor’s room with someone. I was relieved and I had a free pancake brunch for actually winning this drama in my life. PAT ON THE HEAD I GUESS. Damn I think I was fooled there. I was really treated like a dog. HAHAHAHA! Free treats just to go to the hospital. HAHA KIDDING. But also the third quarter was also the busiest with me being a cat because I was always validated by those dear to me to relax every so often and pause. Like too often, it went “are you sure this is not procrastination?” Oopsie! I can be lazy as well on days when I hide and read a good book all day during the healing weeks (lazy means no PhD work for a few hours and no phone for most of the day because I have been reading leisurely as part of my task now). Also, I was validated that in the process of healing, you let go and choose happiness, love and kindness. That given a choice, these three top choices are fine because I wanted it- that genuine compassion and love actually means I am choosing the path that is truthful and the path that does not foster conflict. But also, that speaking what’s in my head is normal and should be ok. I have a voice. This is what I am thankful for. I am granted access to get to know an understanding soul who listens and who does not put judgment. Seldom, seldom. This kind of kindness in my life is rare. This gift, which I received quite early Lord (I’m Catholic by the way), has been provoking some tears here and there (the true crier self emerging now), because adjusting to this type of kindness is too much a blessing (again, too early! My heart is grateful). But a good friend of mine has told me one thing, YOU DESERVE IT. With lots of heart emoticons there, too. And that too made me teary eyed (yet again. all the time). Too much tears, third quarter (aside from too much tears because the wound of that surgical procedure hurts like hell HAHAHA. Low pain tolerance apparently but pain manager of a doctor sister has been “on it”. That too, my sister, is a blessing all the time). The last quarter is literally FAMILY time- from my most inner circle of #nadalsofwindylane, to my Nadal and Suan clan, my auntie and uncle in Cebu being probably my mom and dad of the second degree, then goes on with my friends, Faoey Kim and Ice; as well as my GF’s Talia and April Marie and their families; Leslie Anne in SG; Kl and Ken the crazy couple who are dearly beloved traveling sweethearts who never fail to ask how I am all the way from Canada; Ayit my forever kumare who listens and shares in my uncanny humour and who is getting married!; Pam and Frankie being at the frontline in the stress battle - my “strain” takers (as a result of my stress HAHA KALA MO METAL AKO WEW), and my PALA and Faculty and REx families who have been my constant source of energy (workmates hail yeah!). Special shoutout to my J FAM (forever. The angels who control and enable my “commercialised” and “commodified” choices in life) and the KK ladies who have done a major milestone in their lives this year (IFLA APR WAS THE BEST. Di na tayo nag-celebratete nang bongga aside from KARAOKE na nagwala si Hannah omgeez) Also, I get to see Armida who is an extended family “ate” in the Brum but is now in Qatar- which also means I visited another country aside from transiting its airport. HooraYAY! So in the words of my meditation class, “2019, you are the kindest year to me. LOVE AND KINDNESS.” And now I am ending this year with happiness. I am facing the UNKNOWN (just like in FROZEN which IS LOVE, TOO! So that’s also a 2019 win... and insert all the movies of 2019... that I am finally watching movies again). I am facing 2020 with the same mantra that pushed me to get through the challenging 2019 -ALWAYS WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS. And while I am writing this, my Christmas gifts came rather early again- the gift of family and a WHITE CHRISTMAS with family. And that is the greatest gift I can ever receive this season. And that is why 2019 and CHRISTMAS is and will always be memorable. ...and again... “In the grey clouds, I saw the pink skies. And with a wee bit of stardust, I am floored.” Always floored. 2020 will be wonderful and I am claiming it. |
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Lifeisatravelogue by CDSNadal is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. |